1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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