and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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