I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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