I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
