i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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