How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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