My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
