OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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