It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
