Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
