she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
