We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
