Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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