Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
