Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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