just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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