I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
youre lurking in front of me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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