It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
