Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
