Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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