I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let's get the cat blown out
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
