im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So. Much. Porn.
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