I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
