my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
