he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
