My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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