i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
