bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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