It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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