She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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