I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
