She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
