I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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