just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
