What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
