Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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