she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
