i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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