Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
