party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.