Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.