i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
