I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sobbing to NWA
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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