I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
