Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
