planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
