just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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