Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
