You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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