She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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