I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
