Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
