he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
