Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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