If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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