If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
