I just threw up on my dentist
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
wow bdsm is so cute
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