Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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