I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
