when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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