I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We are two peas in an std pod
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This baby is an asshole
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
