my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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